I think I\u2019m having a mid-life crisis. I\u2019m 46 years old and I bought some ripped jeans recently. My 16 year old son was horrified. \u201cI\u2019d like the old dad back,\u201d he said. \u201cThe one who wears smart jeans, a button down shirt and a v-neck jumper.\u201d Then I tried on a muscle-fit tee shirt in a clothes shop and it was only the look of horrified panic on my wife\u2019s face and the silent shake of her head that prevented me investing in the figure enhancing garment. I got the distinct feeling that she had other ideas about how I could enhance my figure, such as eating less biscuits!<\/p>\n
The tricky thing is that I\u2019ve already had a mid-life crisis four years ago, and I\u2019m not sure whether I\u2019m allowed another. To tell you about my first mid-life crisis I must write some words which I am always reluctant to say:<\/p>\n
I had a breakdown.<\/p>\n
Why do I find it so difficult to talk about my breakdown? What is it about the word \u2018breakdown\u2019 that causes me to substitute it with other, more palatable but less clear, descriptions of what happened to me?<\/p>\n
I have often talked about it in terms such as \u2018when I left my job\u2019, \u2018my period of illness\u2019 and \u2018the stress became too much\u2019. When I do manage to utter the word \u2018breakdown\u2019 I inwardly wince. It\u2019s painful. It feels as if something within me shrivels.I\u2019m a failure and I\u2019m admitting it to the world.\u00a0It feels like how I imagine it would be to walk naked into a room full of clothed people. I\u2019m embarrassed but so are the people around me and they desperately want to help me cover up; they clearly don\u2019t wish to linger on such an awkward subject so I collude with them by moving the conversation on quickly, glossing over the detail, changing the subject.<\/p>\n
Being a man doesn\u2019t help. I could be wrong but my perception is that if I was a woman I would be much more likely to be at ease talking about my thoughts and feelings. My friends would know every detail of what I was going through and we would send one another little notes of encouragement. We\u2019d cry together and hug one another and not panic when someone asks, \u2018how are you?\u2019 But we men are like movie sets: on the surface we look the part, but take a peek behind the bits that will appear on camera and things are sometimes makeshift and flimsy. In fact, we don\u2019t often look behind the scenes ourselves; we prefer the illusion that everything is working perfectly back there.<\/p>\n
I know I, for one, was willing to be fooled about myself, by myself. I preferred to believe that I was strong and could cope with whatever life threw at me without breaking stride. But then the truth emerged and I had a breakdown. And \u2018breakdown\u2019 is such an accurate description of what happened to me, both in the sense that that I stopped functioning and that I was dismantled bit by bit. Reassembly will be a lifetime\u2019s work.<\/p>\n
So, why am I admitting to a breakdown now? I just wanted you to know that you\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n
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Mark Chester\u00a0is the Founder of Who Let The Dads Out? and author of The Soul of Football. Mark also writes for the In The Dad House<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n Image Credit: Todd Quackenbush<\/a><\/p>\n