Tarmac on Toast

I used to search for memorable moments. I would sit and gather my thoughts in coffee shops lit up by Lancashire sunsets. I would take my lunch breaks on church walls and take deep breaths in-between home-made sandwich bites. I’d hand pick Radiohead albums to enhance long train journeys whilst scribbling the lives of fictional characters in a half-filled notebook.

These days the idea of sitting alone in an overpriced coffee house or leaving the office during my lunch break makes me feel unwell.

Let me give you an example:

I pulled into services between Stoke and Preston last week after the craving of a sugary can of sin got the better of me. I took a book in with me to take my mind off decapitating one of the twenty six drivers who proved they must have bribed the driving instructor during their test.

As I walked passed the sun-scorched outdoor-seating area just off the M6, something inside me snapped. It took me about 0.675 seconds to head back to my Fiat Punto and merge back into the death race.

I could not even take 10 minutes out to be alone with my life.
The spirit of the Grouch hath fallen upon me.
I had become terrified of stillness.

As I headed home to Preston my mind became polluted with two thoughts;

1. I am not the man I used to be.
2. I did not become the man my friends and family expected.

These big hitters almost tempted me to park up in the hard shoulder and weep for a day but I held it together for an hour.

As a man, I look for the quickest and most efficient method to fix things. However, the flip side of this, is when the answer to a problem is not blatantly obvious, my default reaction is to get as far away from that problem as possible.

Why is it I go through seasons of having great joy in my daily life and times when blinking is the highlight of my day?

Consider the sobering words of Jesus;

“I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” John 10 vs 9-11

When I draw close to Jesus during my day, his promise is that I will receive fullness of life.

Isn’t it funny that when my day is void of prayer, thanksgiving, and Christian community, I start becoming the man I’ve always hated.

I lose my temper with drivers who make mistakes, I give one word answers to people asking perfectly logical questions and the joy of watching a sunset seems about as tempting as tarmac on toast.