Headcase

I have been living in my head almost everyday this week. I usually live in my eyes. Usually, when something happens in front of me, I react. I notice things about the park I walk through on my lunch break. I am aware of people’s faces and am very much in the moments which fill my days. But not this week. This week I have set up camp in the frontal lobe of my head and have been feeling quite sorry for myself. This is not naval gazing. It’s worse than that. It’s naval camping.

On my drive home from work I used to spot interesting graffiti or gardens which have been kept well. I would stare at the horizon as I sat in traffic jams and imagine what Jesus would have said if I asked him why clouds came in different forms. However, since Monday I have retreated into my brain for every minute of the day. I feel like my week has been played out in front of me like a sombre soap opera.

Unfortunately, living in my head means I can see my memories closer than ever before. The currency in my head is nostalgia. I caught myself staring at nothing on Wednesday as I re-lived football games I had won as a teenager, memorable moments with friends and families and former relationships which made me feel wanted in this world. Inevitably, I felt about as cheery as a doberman dog awaiting the snip.

I have no idea why I moved into my head this week when my eyes were doing a fine job of hosting my life up until now. Maybe its the stress which comes with the working world, maybe the personal events of 2010 are starting to hit home, or maybe there is no reason. One thing I do know; nostalgia is not one of Jesus’ favourite things. In fact, throughout the bible, groups of faithful men and women have been found living in their heads wishing for their former lives to return to them. My close friend Daf told me he finds it physically painful when he tries to pray whilst living in his head. He said he has to come out of that place to fix his eyes on Jesus.

I miss noticing graffiti, clouds and horizons. I miss laughing at the random teenagers trying to do back flips outside Blackburn Cathedral. I found this verse helpful last night. I hope it helps any of you in the same place.

In Paul’s letter to the Romans he said: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

When we pray, let’s pray, “Lord, my mind is doing my head in. Will you renew it for me please?” Amen.