I have been a Dad three times yet I’ve never met any of my children. No I didn’t put them up for adoption or fall out with their Mother, I have been through three miscarriages, the latest is still quite raw.
One of the things I have noticed in this process is how often this subject is taboo, how often we don’t talk about it. It’s not until you miscarry that you realise that many others have been in the same boat as you, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The statistics for a recurrent miscarriage (three or more) drop to 1% and while there are some options should there be medical reasons for these miscarries there is little that can be done for the emotional pain.
I guess I write this blog in the hope that if there is someone else out there with the same pain and frustration, that we can journey together. If that is you, you will get through this – there is light in the dark and there is still hope. I will be honest with you, I have cried out to God, asked Him why am I praying for one thing and He gave me another, why does His word say that a father, when his child asks, doesn’t give him a scorpion if he asks for bread (Luke 11), yet I have asked for a child and He seems to be taking them from us. I have sat there in tears as I think about all the times people have said what a good Father I would be yet God seems to be holding this back. I too have prayed for my wife who has been battered by the pain of loss and disappointment, I have even watched her on the side of the road miscarry our child. I can’t tell you how painful it is to watch the one you love in such pain and have no control over it. I have shaken my fists, listened to countless stories of others who have ‘made it’, received the awkward look as people realise you have miscarried again.
Please don’t mistake this for a rant of self-pity, although that has been there too, please hear this as an honest account of the emotions and frustrations in the hope that that someone out there will resonate and know it’s ok, it’s ok to feel that way, it’s ok to ask God why, and it’s ok as a man to cry.
Through it all I have heard God’s still small voice say ‘it’s ok I have you and Kate’. He has guided me to the cross and as I’ve looked He has helped me realise that He knows the pain of loss, He knows the pain of losing a Son. As I have sat there at the cross I have seen a Jesus who entered into the pain of death, into loss, into futility and hurt. He has not run away or simply told me to man up and get on with it. He knows and He says never will I leave you or forsake you, that this is not condemnation but that your suffering is producing something far greater in you than you can imagine, that ultimately suffering is not futile, that it has purpose and that He is going to walk with us through it.
It makes me smile to think that my three children are waiting for me in heaven, that I am a Father, I’m just yet to meet them. When I do I will be their Father forever, God will be our loving Father even in the mess. I look forward to seeing him face to face, to receiving his hand as it wipes away the tears and all will make sense. Till that time I refuse to give up hope, keep fighting the good fight of faith.